Yearning for Family

Those of us who come from small families, or with few relatives, watch with envy as the summer migration of friends and neighbors head out to family reunions, and visits to childhood homes and vacation spots.

My mom and dad were part of the east coast surge for California after WWII. My dad, from Syracuse, New York had returned to California because he’d loved his basic training at Fort Ord in Monterrey. Mom was from Ohio but had been sent to Hawaii to run a YWCA camp in 1944, she came back through California and never returned east.

That left us with relatives far away, that we didn’t see that often. Dad died at fifty and it took me many years before I reconnected with the one remaining cousin in Syracuse. My mom’s family in Ohio all died out except for one crazy string of 5 cousins that we’re still in touch with. When my mom and Aunt Helen (their mom) passed away – they took the “relative gathering glue” along with them. We see them occasionally when there’s a wedding. It’s hard to step in and recreate what my mom had. Her parents each had 11 siblings. She had over 100 cousins spread throughout Ohio. The Holl reunions at Uncle Dewey’s farm were legendary .

My first marriage was to an only child with absolutely no relatives. I don’t know what I was thinking. Second time around, I hoped to find someone who was a good fit for my kids who also brought family with him. This is tricky of course because even when they have families, it doesn’t mean they are a cohesive, dependable or loving group. Or that they are that motivated to make you part of what family they’ve managed to hang onto through life’s challenges. One can’t create what was never there.

With my youngest heading out to college in the fall, and the empty nest looming, it’s a reminder that family is what you make it, and a result of the effort that you put into it. One day I will demand many grandchildren.

I’m off to call my cousins and see what’s happening in the land of humidity and fireflies. What’s your summer family adventure? I’d love to hear your thoughts, plans and from your experience.

The Last Day of School – Class of ‘09

Here I am saying goodbye to my daughter who is heading out to her last exam on the last day of High School. For the past 19 years, I have had a child in Elementary, Jr High, or High School, and now it’s over. What a shift! Of course there are still two to get through college, but it’s different, it’s not on my watch. They don’t need me to wake them up, make breakfast, make them lunch, make them dinner, be available for activities, and drive them anywhere anymore!

Best of all, very soon, I won’t have make dinner every night. Did you know that if you calculate the meals you’ve made for your kids over a 15 year period it’s a whopping 11,700 meals? No wonder we need a nap.

I looked back at my notes from a Letting Go Workshop I did last February to see what I’d listed for pro’s and con’s – of becoming an empty nester.

Pros

Less feeding!
You don’t have to be there to prep every meal, anticipate what’s not in the fridge, and provide the right foods. If they’re going for the freshman 15, they’ll do it on their own. If you want to diet, it’s a whole lot easier when you’re not dishing up platters of pasta for a family

More sleep!
You don’t have to wait up late at night until they get home. Now if they’re not in, you’ll never know it. Hmmm, maybe we’ll never sleep anyway.

Travel!
Now you can lock the door and go out of town, you don’t have to worry about wild parties in your house or phone calls from the local law enforcement folks. Hopefully if the law visits it’s because of one of YOUR wild parties.

Now the Cons

No more good night kisses-But well…. for many of us it’s been awhile anyway.

Less noise in the house-Let’s see, is that a pro or a con…It is a lot quieter, no one is letting you know that family is there and someone still needs you. And of course no teen music to keep you current. You’re on your own for meaningful iPod updates. May as well revert to Stravinsky.

Missing the little boys and girls that were-
But then, they’ve pretty much disappeared anyway. Just little hints of who they were – when they need us. Remember when they would get excited to go to the movies with us?

Ultimately – mother and father mode is over. The “me” and “us as a couple” modes are back. You can be first on your list for the first time in 20 years. Just like the pre kid days. So party on! Watch for my blog on reinventing your relationship next week.

This is a short list; tell me what pros and cons are top of mind for you….

Foods and An Exercise to Rediscover Passions and Purpose

Last week I held a workshop around finding your passions and purpose after the kids move on. The group went along willingly with a series of exercises to determine where they were now on the passion scale, and where they wanted to be.

First – to get us rolling, I reviewed what foods contribute to passion. A bit off topic but VERY interesting – and everyone stopped talking and paid attention. Here’s a list with a few surprises:

Almonds – the scent of almonds is purported to excite women – which is why it’s used widely in soaps and creams. Be careful you’re being manipulated! Also, didn’t Sherlock Holmes say that people poisoned with Cyanide smelled like almonds??? Be careful.
Asparagus – apparently has a long history as a stimulant. In France in the 19th century it was customary for a bridegroom’s last mean before his wedding to have three courses of hut asparagus! Yum.
Avocado – the Aztecs called this fruit ahucati (which is the name of a particular hanging part of the male anatomy). Later, the Spanish actually spread the word about its stimulating power. Catholic priests forbade indulging in its green flesh.
Bananas – hmm, what can I say here. We’ll skip the shape comments and talk about an alkaloid compound ‘bufotenine’ (named for Joey Butofuco?) in bananas which is supposedly a sex drive booster. Legend has it that the serpent that tempted Eve his in a bunch of bananas – wonder what legend that is.
Carrots – not only good for they eyes, the ancient Greeks said every inch of a carrot is rich in aphrodisiac properties. They ate the roots, seeds and greens when prepping for orgies.
Celery – apparently in Sweden the stimulating effects of Celery are well known. The author Hagdahl described it as ‘straightforward arousing’. The seeds are especially potent – be sure to drop them into breads or salad dressing when the mood moves you.
Chocolate – of course, this is the queen of aphrodisiacs. Casanova was said to be a serious chocolate addict, always enjoying a truffle or two before his amorous adventures. This too was once banned in monasteries.

Sounds like it’s time for a salad with nuts>

No matter what passion enhancer you might use, the point is – once you no longer need to nurture your family to feel fulfillment – what do you do with your life? What gives you the same level of dedication, satisfaction, joy, and purpose? Who do you want to be in the next phase of your life? How do you become clear on what you really want – so you can move toward attaining it?

One simple but very helpful exercise is from the Passion Test by Janet Atwood. She asks readers to finish the following sentence: When my life is ideal, I am _______. For some it’s easy to complete the sentence, for others – it was surprisingly difficult. There’s no limit to how many you can write down, there’s also no limit to “how” you would accomplish it, just the “what” you would like to be or do.

Tips:
1) Begin your phrase with a verb that relates to being, doing or having.
2) Write at least ten (more if you’d like).
3) Close your eyes and picture your ideal life. What are you doing? Who are you with? Where are you? How do you feel?
4) Don’t censor or limit your ideas, you don’t need to know the how, just the what.
5) It will be easier if you don’t consult with anyone, this is about the things that light your fire, go deep inside and connect with what is truly the most important to you.
6) Don’t take the test as a couple, later you can share your passions with your spouse or partner.
7) Best to do this in one sitting. It should only take twenty to thirty minutes. It’s fine to go back and revise.
8) Write short clear sentences, avoid combining several passions in one such as “I am enjoying my ideal relationship, traveling the world first class and living in a beautiful home overlooking the ocean” Break each passion down and list it separately, e.g. I am traveling the world first class.

Here are some examples (it’s ok for yours to be much wilder):

• When my life is ideal, I am writing successful mystery novels
• …working in a nurturing environment with lots of plants and light
• …spending lots of quality time with my family
• …enjoying perfect health
• …becoming the next Secretary of State

Give it a try and let me know what you come up with.

Shindig for EmptyNexters.com

Friends, family and business associates showed up to help celebrate the premiere of emptynexters.com last Friday at Head over Heels in Menlo Park, California.

Most all of the celebrants are in various stages of empty nesting. Champagne, wine and tasty appetizers were served by Laurie Farros, the store’s owner. A few of the forty plus revelers were surprised that the event was held in a shoe store, but this isn’t just any shoe store, it’s a unique, high end shopping experience.

We won the cocktail party at a Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation fundraiser auction last year where Laurie has been a consistent and generous donor. What better place to kick off our new venture. It’s a reminder for a couple reasons: one, now that the kids have moved on, maybe we can afford a few nice treats for ourselves, and two, remember to give back in unique and thoughtful ways as Laurie has. Special thanks to my web designers/gurus Domagoj Barisic and Djurdjica Selec, my PR empress and copy editor Cindee Mock and my social networking specialist extraordinaire- Bill Brister.

Please join us, raise a virtual glass to our new endeavor, and toast all of our futures as successful and happy empty nexters.

Do you need a blog coach?

This morning when I joined a group of local entrepreneurs facing business challenges, I was surprised to have a presentation from a fellow life coach who specialized in blogging. Great idea, bloggers can be faced with many challenges: bloggers block, conflicts of voice, technical challenges, shyness, fear of legal reprisal… Her name is Cassandra Rae from www.simplyfearless.com. I was impressed. Her talk inspired and simplified. Lookout – I may hit my daily blogging goal.

What’s your biggest blogging challenge?

Fishing Dorado in Cabo

Our Spring Break is almost over. We were very lucky to be invited out on a sports fishing boat yesterday. We saw dolphins, humpback whales, a huge turtle floating by and caught a 24 pound Dorado. The girls loved helping land the fish, were a little squeamish about killing it – but now understand a more about where their dinners come from.

A local restaurant cooked it up for us and all 17 (five moms, ten 17/18 year olds, captain and crew) enjoyed it while all girls sang kereoke.

Swimming, snorkeling, diving off the boat. Another great shared experience before seeing our kids off to college. My email is down, I’m blogging briefly then will stay off the computer to focus on the daughter that will soon be moving on to even greater adventures without me.

Make as many memories as you can, family changes so swiftly.

Sunrise in Cabo

Spring Break in Cabo San Lucas is over for the college kids, but not for the high schoolers.

My daughter and I are here with a group of ten 17 year old girls and four other moms (thank God). It’s my first Easter away from my other daughters who had other plans. I can feel it’s the beginning of the shift where each one has a different need, relationship or expectation for holidays to come. Yep, time to let goof that one.

But for now it’s wonderful to be with this group, who have grown up together – to have one last trip on the same break before they all head out to different colleges, different vacation schedules, and into new worlds. We did an Easter egg hunt for them – and they loved it just like they were 6 years old. I am going to miss they’re silliness, energy and noise so much when they’re gone.

Easter is a time to celebrate renewal and rebirth, I need to remember that this is the end of a beautiful cycle as a mom, and the beginning of a whole new adventure.

I’ll be posting video clips with them talking about where they’re going to school next year, and how they think their moms will do without them. All will be up on the new emptynexters.com website early May.

Hope your springtime is filled with love, light and the joy of new beginnings.

Empty Nest: 5 Tips to Recapture Your Life

Some say you should plan for the empty nest as soon as the kids outgrow elementary school, I think that’s pushing it a bit. But by the time your youngest turns 16, it’s definitely good to start developing the dreams you’ve put by the wayside for the last 18+ years. Turn it from Empty Nesting to Empty Nexting -planning your next new adventure.

The empty nest can be just what it says, a dreaded event filled with emptiness and boredom, or it can be an exciting time of new beginnings. Before you had kids, you had dreams and desires. Recapture them or make some new ones, the second half of your life is beginning. Here’s how to get started:

1) Make a Dream List:
Make a list of things you always wanted to do but couldn’t because you were too busy driving to soccer, making dinner and helping with homework. Maybe it’s making pottery, writing or learning the piano. Perhaps it’s finding a new career or going back to school. Maybe it’s saving the world one little bit at a time.

List the dreams you let go of. Finish the sentence: I used to dream that I would _________________. It can be anything, doesn’t have to be based in reality at this point, just dream. Write down everything that occurs to you – remember what it’s like when life felt limitless – it can again.

2) Rediscover Your Passions:
You’ve focused on others for many years, what are the passions you would like to explore? What gives you a sense of purpose? In the Passion Test, Janet Attwood asks readers to complete the sentence:

When my life is ideal, I am ________________.
This too is about the what, not the how. It can be “When my life is ideal, I am CEO of a non-profit saving the world from malaria”, or it can be “When my life is ideal, I produce ten art quilts a year that I submit for shows”. It can be ANYTHING, just needs to be something that turns you on. List 10 passions then prioritize and work towards the one that comes out on top.

3) Travel and Rediscover the World:
If college costs aren’t totally emptying your wallet, why not explore the world. Whether it’s going to Tibet or a “staycation” the world’s a candy store of different experiences. Where did you always dream of going? Where can you go now that you don’t have to transport 5 people each time? Show your kids that after years of hard work, you know how to enjoy yourself – inspire them.

4) Form a Community:
Research has shown that when in transition, the healthiest thing to do is form a group around the issue of concern. If you’re missing your kids, grab a group of women in the same situation and invite them over for coffee, you’d be amazed how much they want to get together too. Some are feeling very isolated. If you’re a dad, get a group of guys together and go to a game together, with a chug and hug afterwards (it’s ok to skip the hug). Having a group of like minded individuals around you makes you realize you’re not alone, a lot of your issues are the same, and discussing them makes your concern lessen – big time!

5) Rediscover Play!
Just finished a great book by Stuart Brown, called Play. It talks about how important for us to keep play a key part of our lives. It stimulates the brain, opens the imagination and gives us joy. What are you doing for play? So if you’re not playing, it’s time to bring it back into your life. What did you love to do as a kid? Was it sports, card games, go carts? Yep, time to go for it again. Tennis, backgammon, chess, speed racing, quilting. Whatever gives you the peace, joy or just complete immersion into something different. Time to get back into it. You’ll be a much happier person.
The post empty nest period can become the most creative and productive time of life – integrating a quieter family life and personal passions. The trick is to discover what you want, and go for it.

I’d love to hear what you think, what you’re doing to rediscover your passions and how it’s working for you.

Early Mornings in an Almost Empty Nest

The early morning on the weekend, while everyone is still sleeping, I straighten up everything from the night before. Any chaos that my daughter and her friends that they didn’t clean up. I’ve realized this will soon be over, and there won’t be anyone to clean up after when I get up in the quiet time of the morning.

It feels like I’m paying homage to the years that we had. Weekends will be very quiet when the last one is out of the house this Fall. No matter how much I am looking forward to the freedom, I know that these moments will be missed. For 23 years I’ve prepared my day around my children. I won’t even be getting up in the middle of the night or early morning to check my diabetic daughter’s glucose levels to make sure she’s safe to sleep-in. I’ll just be worrying about her at college and if she’s ok.

Even when working long hours, my day was still focused on or scheduled around my children’s needs. Empty nesting is definitely a time for reflection, a bit of sadness for what’s over, the hope that we’ve done everything we can for them, and accepting that it’s time for them to move onto the rest of their lives. Many tears to shed in sadness, joy and gratitude for everything they have been, are, and will be to us as budding adults. This Sunday I send a prayer for all of our children for safe and successful futures.

OK, time to pull it together. My wisteria’s in bloom (see picture) my friend’s knocking at the door and it’s time for a hike on this glorious day.

I would love to hear how you’re feeling about empty nesting, and what you’re doing to bring yourself comfort and joy.

Sarandon the Queen – of Empty Nexting

Last night I had the pleasure to see Susan Sarandon’s return to Broadway in the opening of Exit the King. She was wonderful as Queen Margarite. A perfect foil and powerful death angel for Geoffrey Rush the king.

Now that the kids have grown, Susan is ready to get on with a new aspect of her career – going back on stage. She’s a true Empty Nexter -moving on to the next great adventure.

To paraphrase New York Mag: Susan says the Empty-nest syndrome feels “seismic, huge.” How did she decide to fight it? She said she could have indulged in her love for mid-afternoon movies at the Film Forum or walks through the city she can never imagine leaving, where everyone is cool with her, whether they initiate spontaneous conversations or pretend not to notice her.

Or she could decide to “pull the carpet out from underneath everything that makes me feel secure.” So when Rush, with whom she’d worked on the 2002 film The Banger Sisters, got in touch about Exit the King, the play tugged at her.
Tim Robbins was there with their youngest son, and a bunch of celebrities turned out to walk the red carpet. I didn’t know it was opening night so it was a bit of excitement for this sheltered Northern Californian.

Had a chance to say high to Chris Noth, “Big” from Sex and the City, one of the celebs who attended. He was really rude, then learning I was from California decided to denigrate our lack of seasons – and he wasn’t trying to be funny (ouch!). If I were rude too, I’d mention that his roots were white. Then ran into Hugh Jackman who said “hi” and flashed a killer smile – now that’s a beautiful gent.

So, when in doubt about our next steps as empty nesters, let’s do like Susan and remember to pull out the carpet, take a risk and restart our lives!